The hot yoga story. Written by Any Man

I’m severely outnumbered but find comfort that this will be the best thing. In finding my future wife. The odds are stacked in my favour guys to girls.

I hear the teacher talk about the advantages that males have over females in yoga. Funny but it doesn’t appear that way. I’ve laid eyes on a possible future wife and my legs don’t move the way hers do. I’m struggling to even understand how hips operate that way. My belly seems to be a bit of a problem.

I’m hoping she finds profuse sweating attractive.  My ears perk up to listen to my so called advantages.

My arms are longer along with my torso which makes something called a jump-back easier. Doubtful. I am more strong than flexible so I can hold the postures for longer with greater ease.  Arm balances and inversions will be easier due to my upper body strength.

I hear the name of the next pose. Splits. Granted there was the word preparation before it but still. I don’t know if my choice of shorts will withstand any sort of split preparation. I don’t know if my now wife and I will be able to  transcend what happens in the splits. I will have to write irreconcilable differences on the divorce application.

I’ve just realised I’ve fallen in love, got married, fallen out of love and divorced all without a single thought to the way I’m breathing. Am I doing it right? That reminds me I need to be at work early tomorrow.

I am lost in thought. Would it be rude to take my shirt off? What does yoga protocol dictate when ones singlet has become like a second skin.

What the teacher says next gives me a clue that I may need to purchase the 10 class pass rather than just the 5 to nail this yoga thing.

“This is not cross-fit. We are not doing WODs. The hands and feet land softly. The breath stays fluid. We’re building awareness. When you stay aware, you won’t get injured. When you stay aware, you can respond not react. When you stay aware, you can stay aware.”

I thought this was just lying around breathing. When did breathing become so hard? I’m not sure how I feel when the teacher breaks the news that we’ll never master yoga. It’s not designed to be mastered. It’s designed to be practiced.

The teacher then appears to let me off the hook, telling me that not everyone will benefit from yoga. Thank god! 24/7 gym I’ll see you tomorrow.

If you’ve never been anxious, depressed, stressed or p*ssed off. If you’ve never had a sore low back. If you don’t want to get better at the other sports you do.  If you think you have two lungs so one is a backup. If you think insomnia is a weird, personality quirk. If you think great sex is dumb. Then yoga will not help you. Sorry.