Here are my insights on suicide.

Nothing.

We’ll never know why. We’ll never know if they changed their mind at the last minute. We’ll never know what their breaking point was, when they made the decision, then started formulating the logistics. We’ll never know if we could have said something that might have made a difference.

We’ll never really know.

Humans hate this. We crave the backstory and suicide holds it at ransom. Because I’m a human and I need some sort of story to make peace with this, I’ve been thinking about the opposite. The opposite of suicide.

Self-care.

Would self-care hold it at bay? Would self-care flag an issue before the point of jumping? Can other people do our self-care for us? When we might be unwilling, unable or just not know it’s a thing. Should we formalise it…something like “Self-care Sunday”?

The other thing I keep thinking about is samvega, which translates from Sanskrit to English as emergence.

It’s a yoga thing, a phase someone can be in…a state of samvega. It looks a lot like depression but it’s mixed with a quiet, vehemence for renewal. In the western world we label depression as undesirable but in yoga, depression when mixed with a quiet, vehemence for renewal, is seen as empowering and full of possibilities. The old books describe it as a classic portal into the deeper practices of yoga.

Shit. That got deep. Fu*k it. Let’s keep going.

What is a quiet, vehemence for renewal? Quiet. Doesn’t live on social media. Vehemence. Marked by great energy, exertion and unusual force. Renewal. Breaking out into a better way of being.

In yoga, depression when coupled with this state, is necessary for growth and change. Change can’t happen any other way. Thought-provoking.

The third thing that’s been running through my mind is what I’d like to say to the guy who’s no longer here.

  1. I hope your earthy troubles have stayed here on earth and not followed you.
  2. The people you’ve left behind, you’ve connected together like glue. We’d forgotten how similar we are.
  3. Trauma gives birth to gratitude and perspective, it’s a punch in the guts reminder.

Lastly this…

“Death might appear to destroy the meaning in our lives, but in fact it is the very source of our creativity. As Kafka said, “The meaning of life is that it ends.” Death is the engine that keeps us running, giving us the motivation to achieve, learn, love, and create.” (C. Doughty)

You used to make us laugh. Now you’ve made us cry. You’ve made us think harder and love more. Your work here is done. R.I.P.